Thursday, October 3, 2013

My Larvae Lamp
By Frog
One thing I love about moving is that people get rid of good junk. I’m always one that cannot pass up a back yard sale and when Aimee was moving (as in her home, not in the Frickan sense) this past weekend, she was tossing cool stuff left and right. As things were, literally, flying through the air, I noticed a kinda half-full lava lamp in a box. Immediately I queried as to its destiny, to which she replied that it’s mine! Nice score!
So I took this bad boy home, googled how to refill it. It called out for distilled-water, some dish-detergent or oil (not clear, but one article said cooking oil…hey that sounded good), then pickling-salt. I also spent quite a bit of time, with my lovely wife as well, googling the crap out of all sorts of Lava Lamp topics. There’s like a cult of followers…I digress.
Ok, we didn’t have distilled-water, so I figured, what the heck, just use bottled water. Done deal. Also, no pickling-salt, but we have sea-salt, which doesn’t have iodine. Done deal. Now for the oil or detergent. Yep, no prob.
Experiments 1-5 involved various combinations of oil, detergent, more salt, more oil, more salt. There were some floaters, but no dice.
Experiments 5-10 involved me going to Walmart and searching for the fricken Lave Liquid, which they mentioned when I spent another hour googling that topic. I figured if I could just buy the damn stuff, screw the chemistry lesson. They had Lava Lamps for $10 complete but I wanted mine to work. Mistake number 45.
After experiment 10, I put the lamp aside.
Next day, in Fort Collins, I went to Target (recall google note that they had Lava Fluid!). No fluid. Just sold out.
Party Story…nope. Another Target…nope. Another Walmart…nope. Losing hope, I realized that Hobby Lob was coming up…nope. Dollar Store…right…
At one of the many trips trying to find Lava Fluid, I did manage to buy some ice-cream salt. I looked everywhere for pickling-salt, so I figured it was the same and this rock salt sure as heck doesn’t have any iodine in it. The label said it was also good for de-icing the walk, so I figured if it’s a bust for the lamp, at least I can salt my drive and rust out my truck. I did manage to buy some distilled-water and drove very slow on the way home to keep it that way.
Ok, back home I felt like Heisenberg in the meth lab as I tinkered with bottles of water, rock salt that looked like crystal meth and dish soap (well, two out of three aint bad).
Experients 10-15 were significantly much better, especially when adding more salt to do something to the specific gravity of the stuff inside…I read somewhere…anyway, it still looked like a fetus in a jar in the museum, so no dice.
Experients 15-20 kinda went south again, even though I cleaned out the bottle. This time the ‘lava’ didn’t look like an un-born fetus, it looked more like a tumor that docs must look at during their coffee breaks. I shook the bottle a bit to try and mix it, but when it foamed over the top, I realized that the bulb below could easily throw a circuit, if not burn down my house. Anyway, screw it.
Tomorrow I am going to Walmart and purchasing their most expensive $20 Lava Lamp. (hey, I only got $60 worth of gas in this bad boy!)
I give up on this monster. But I must say that I fell in love with her for some magical reason. I met many, many nice people that tried their best throughout my travels up and down the front range. I learned a lot about how not to do this and also how totally confusing the internet is. I’d hate to try and build a nuclear bomb in my garage like they say you can. There are too many options. I clearly chose all of the wrong ones!
Lava and Let Live!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

You know you’re an A-Freak when,

You know you’re an A-Freak when,

·         You start to prefer cold showers
·         You haven’t worn socks in over a month
·         You actually like the smell of BO
·         Deodorant is an optional thing to adorn
·         Instead of buying new golf clubs you spend your money on Artemisinin
·         You know how to spell Artemisinin (spell-checker saved me on that last line)
·         You enjoy making phone calls to Africa, cell to cell, only understanding 3% of the conversation
·         You spend your free time doing things like what I’m doing right now
·         You have at least one tattoo of something African
·         You believe that black people in Africa are better than black people in the States (that’ll raise some eyebrows)
·         You try to hang around black people in the States, just because they’re black
·         You actually become racist toward white people (another eyebrow raiser)
·         Your car CD player has a “learn to speak Swahili” disc in it
·         You know how to spell Mizuri, Habari and Kumbya
·         You actually enjoy living off of cliff bars for part of your summer
·         You develop the habit of carrying wet-ones everywhere you go
·         Filth becomes a relative term
·         You think that Nogales Mexico is pretty darned civilized
·         256K baud rate is ok
·         You start to consider buying property in Africa
·         You actually look for foods containing high amounts of fat and sodium
·         Goat meat tastes like chicken
·         Chicken meat tastes like steaks
·         You learn how to live on eating only potatoes for each meal
·         Being clean becomes optional
·         You’ve actually eaten some sugar cane
·         You wear at least 5 pieces of African jewelry
·         You shave your head so lice can’t make permanent homes on your scalp
·         People criticize you for ‘not helping the poor people here in the good ole US of A’
·         Some of your family members view you as ‘over the top with this Africa thing’
·         You stop wearing a watch
·         When you speak in a group meeting, you stand up
·         You understand how a malaria net can catch fish
·         You realize that the word ‘malaria’ should not be in upper case
·         You say the word “yes,” very slowly as people are speaking to you
·         Someone in Africa gives you a sweet potato as a gift
·         You make people sick because of your passion about Africa (like I’m doing right now)
·         People avoid being around you because all that you talk about is Africa
·         You have some Swahili in your signature line on your emails


You know you’re not an A-Freak when,
·         You think that African Bags is  a cover up front for a pimping operation
·         You still believe that the word Negro is an appropriate way of addressing black people
·         You acknowledge that “there will be Negros in heaven”
·         You believe that Mzee (pronounced Moe Zay) is something that you eat for dessert
·         You mention that some of your best friends are Negroes
·         You think Mizuri is a state in America
·         You think Habari is a type of portable grill
·         You hate the song Kumbya
·         You think that Africa has wild animals roaming around everywhere
·         You think Entebbe is a type of dope like Sesimia
·         You think ONE “is the loneliest number”
·         You think Bono is pronounced BOE NO or Boner
·         You think social injustice is about cutting in line at the checkout lane
·         You call The States, ‘America’
·         You have never heard the term A-Freak
·         You think the HIV Aids pandemic will ‘fix itself’ through the process  of natural selection and survival of the fittest
·         You think the HIV Aids pandemic is God’s way of punishing gay people
·         You think a 501c3 is a type of Levi jeans
·         You think the word Bhati is a term for a hot chick
·         You have a bumper sticker that says, “Live in Wyoming, Fish in Wyoming”
·         You think Kiswahili is the Swahili that is indigenous to some Florida Island chain
·         You take personal offense of this email
·         You think Dr. Martin Luther King was a historical figure in the Protestant Reformation
·         You think that Nelson Mandela is a type of head lock in wrestling
·         You think that Barack Obama is somehow related to Osama Ben Laden
·         You haven’t gotten this far in this email and have deleted by now
·         You somehow think that Rwanda and Uganda are the same